Could you critique my poem please?

The March





Your feet ahead march solemn and strong,


Behind I strive to keep along


Spring gives a blossom crown for hair,


Late as I am, I get leaves instead.


Proficiently you tread down grass and weed,


Leaving almost nothing to yield to me.


The wind whips against your sturdy frame,


And bounces back, not even brushing me.


The sun scalds your already scathed skin,


But I’m safe and sheltered in your shadow-shade.


Though battered and bruised you beat the barricades,


Leaving a clear, smooth path free for me.


You step aside, your face mottled and wet


And give your marching boots to me.





This poem is about the relationship between my mother and I. I’ve always looked up to her; she is just far superior both morally and intellectually. Though sometimes she seems overprotective and we argue a little, it is all because she loves me and is trying to protect me. Every success she has had was to make it easier for me to succeed, and I know this. Although sometimes when growing up, some of the limits she placed on me seemed to be mean, they were all acts of love even if I didn’t see it straight away; this is why I’ve structured the poem how it is- it is a sonnet with the octave and seset switched around- because at first glance it does not appear to be a poem of love.


I don’t want lots of ‘your poem is great’ answers, just constructive criticism.

Could you critique my poem please?
1. the rhythm is awkward. you switch from iambic tetrameter to unmetered (free verse) too often. it ruins the flow. (like lines 1,2,3 are Iambic Tet, line 4 is not. can you hear it?)





2. too many lines end w/ a preposition + "me" - it sounds repetitive and redundant. the "to me" is understood. for instance, you could say "Clearing a smooth path"





3. alliteration overuse. it sounds forced at times. like "but i'm safe and sheltered in your shadow-shade" - that line is too forced and awkward to say. try editing it down like "I take shelter in your shadow"





4. just do an overall cleanup. get rid of heavy junky words. try to imagine a "cleaner" more concise line that still maintains your message.
Reply:I love the line


"spring gives a blossom crown for hair"





I would try to make the first two lines not such an obvious rhyme, as the rest of the poem does not follow suit.





not too keen on the word "proficiently" seems to break the cadence, and is perhaps a little too wordy for the feel of the poem, perhaps find an alternative





and perhaps too many "me" finishes





other than that ....... Right on!





Your mum would love it I am sure!
Reply:it is not great