Sunday, May 16, 2010

How could i improve this poem?

Your feet ahead march solemn and strong,

Behind I strive to keep along

Proficiently you tread down grass and weed,

Leaving almost nothing to yield to me.

Spring leaves a blossom crown in your hair,

Late as I am, I get leaves instead.

The wind whips against your sturdy frame,

And bounces back, not even brushing me.

The sun scolds your already scathed skin,

But I’m safe and sheltered in your shadowy shade.

Though battered and bruised you beat the barricades,

Leaving a clear, smooth path free for me.

You step aside, your face mottled and wet

And give your marching boots to me.

This poem is about the relationship between my mother and I. I’ve always looked up to her; she is just far superior both morally and intellectually to anybody else we know. Though sometimes she seems overprotective and we sometimes argue a little, it is all because she loves me and is trying to protect me. Every success she has had was to make it easier for me to succeed, and I know this. Although sometimes when growing up, some of the limits she placed on me seemed to be mean, they were all acts of love even if I didn’t see it straight away; this is why I’ve structured the poem how it is- it is a sonnet with the octave and seset switched around because at first glance it does not appear to be a poem of love. I’m not sure if I want to give this to my mom, I might just keep it for myself.

Anyway, now you know what it’s about, what do you think I should alter to improve it? I have tried to do it myself, but self-criticism is very hard.

How could i improve this poem?
The poem is nice. I can't say I am an expert, but I find the blending of the two stanzas are a little abrupt. Right now it sounds like you feel the person in front(A.k.a your mom) of you gets both the benefits and the negatives of standing in front. I think I would get a better feel if you blended them better making the poem's narrator slowly come to the realization that she also protects you and does this for you. Basically, I am saying go slower and portray your journey to realizing that your mother does all this for you.
Reply:Well, for a start, you could use the word 'scalds' rather than 'scolds'.....still, I think you'll probably pass (even though I'm not really into poetry).

I love you very much and I don't care who knows it ;-)

From your mother.

P.S. if you give anyone else 'best answer' (unless it's truly exceptional - such as that submitted by The One Truth, above), you're grounded!

P.P.S. You'll have to excuse me while I go off to have a little cry!
Reply:ode to my mom

a result of her womb and my dads dong

she looked sexy in a thong

as a sperm i was strong
Reply:What a beautiful poem and you should certainly share ti with your Mum.

It gave me goosebumps to read and I hope one day my son or daughter will speak of me in the same way.

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